Radiation day 5

I’m back in the hot seat –  quite literally. I’ve been struggling to update this blog because what is there to say? I’m still here, I’m still doing this. 

I don’t feel shiny and unicorn-y and courageous. I don’t feel any of that lately. I feel worn, tattered and a wee bit dull as I drag myself to daily radiation treatments. 

I find the further I go – the more I turn inward. The more my energy needs a reprieve. The more lonely it gets. 

And last week just as I was putting on my hat-the one that says put your head down and get through this…the most wonderful little surprise happened. My lovely radiation onc (who has been with me all the way since 2011) stared me right in the eyes and said – “I see you”. Nah, she didn’t use those words but that’s what I heard. She sat me down and she acknowledged all this. All these years, all these treatments, all these scars, all these side effects, all this trauma. And in that moment I realized it’s ok to turn in. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to resist the urge to PUFF up and tell cancer to eff off. I’m tired. I need a break. I need a quality churro (thank you steroids for the pain management and the absolute NEED for carbs!), a cup of coffee, a chat with a friend on the lanai, I need a good book, a good song, a minute. Damn-I need a nap or several. 

I need good vibes and understanding as this palliative piece is draining me. I’m doing my best to honor it all. Some days I feel as I am literally dragging myself out of bed. I’m doing my best. But, the light is quite literally impossible to bathe in without acknowledging the dark. 

The excruciating pain in my leg is easing – I’m not sure if it’s radiation or the steroids. I suspect it’s steroids. I’m overjoyed I can walk without wincing in pain. 

So – as I navigate the remaining radiation treatments I just want to say thank you for the good vibes, the understanding, the delicious chicken pasta Parmesan, the wonderful happy oily blends, the texts, the memes and all the good shit.