Waiting and worrying

rainbow blogThankfully this week has felt a bit like a hamster wheel, going, going in all the different directions. This hamster wheel effect has certainly helped me and the hubs ride out waiting for CT results from Monday all the way to Thursday.

After having a late afternoon CT on Monday to investigate some very elevated liver function tests we were off to UW-Madison Tuesday for a follow up with the lovely Dr. W. All is well with Dr. W. The lymph node scar is healing well.

After a day in the car, thankfully baseball practices were cancelled that night. Ah yes, a sleepless night Tuesday thinking about my liver. Who thinks about their liver? I guess I do. I mean I am laying there in bed really putting thought into my poor liver (so much for sugar plums! All that sugar is no good for my liver!!) Hmm -What color is it? How big is it? Have I been taking care of it? What if it is cancer in my liver? Then what? What drugs will I go on? Eventually I fall asleep with the mantra “no more hard chemo right now, no more hard chemo right now”.

Wednesday or day 3 as I call it. I call to make my radiation mapping appointment. Ah yes, five weeks of radiation to look forward to, can my liver handle that?  I trudge through the day, all the while my liver is front and center. I go for several walks and do a little bargaining with the Big Guy. If this isn’t cancer in my liver, I will start or stop doing this or that. Oh yes, it came to that. There was a bit of pure rage mixed in there as well. The thought that my onc is making me wait for four whole days for results! By Wednesday night all I can think about is my liver. Thank goodness for mindless Andy Cohen TV – I love you Bravo network!! However, I find myself watching these women drink until they are completely sloshed, I wonder what their livers look like? Back to my liver.

In my mind, I always thought this metastatic cancer would go elsewhere first. I was thinking the lungs actually. Yep, I have plowed a bit of time into where this thing would go once it is ready to leave the bones and move on. And then thoughts of my brother Joe enter my mind, after all Wednesday would be like Joe’s Fourth of July holiday, good old 420! Ha. So, I’m thinking of him, lately I have felt like he has been around. Sounds crazy to the non-believers, but the believers are reading this shaking their heads up and down, yep, they know what I am talking about. I just feel him. And maybe his presence is a painful reminder – to go back to center Kate, get a grip and be thankful YOU ARE HERE. It is ok. Wednesday night is the most restful night of sleep I get.

By Thursday morning or Day 4 – I am more than ready for results. I’ve got good vibes being sent to me via text from so many of my besties, so many good wishes. By this time I am convinced I am fine. Joe is with me and this will be some silly glitch. Either my gallbladder is off or one of my meds is throwing things off.  I can’t explain it. I get in the car and the song “Wonderwall” comes on, again my thoughts dart back to Joe. Somehow, I walk in to Dr. G’s office so very confident.

As I climb the massive staircase to Dr. G’s office I am greeted by one extraordinary chemo nurse, the lovely S. She always has a smile on her face and Joe actually brought us together. S reassures me with a smile on her face. Again, just another sign. This was just what I needed to settle in, a familiar, caring exchange.

I hear my name, I walk to the exam room and go through the motions. My blood pressure is ridiculously low considering what I have been through since Monday. But – I have a completely mellow, very certain outlook it will be ok. I have no idea where this “zen” is coming from – at all! Dr. G rolls in, flips to his screen and tada! My liver is fine. As a matter of fact it looks better than it has in the past? Yep. My liver does not have cancer. Of course, I have to almost shake the grin off my face and continue to listen. What the hell? What the hell is wrong with my liver function then? After A LOT of looking through everything again and again, and maybe one more AGAIN – the conclusion is my monthly injection may be causing my liver function tests to shoot up.

Now, with relief I notice a bit more rage creeps back in. No one could have delivered the news sooner? Really?  This is good news – I notice the time stamp on the radiologist’s report is Monday at 4:58 p.m. Really? I am six years into this thing and I don’t think I have EVER waited this long for results. No one could have responded to me and let me know it looks good? I can feel a bit of heat rising to my face, is it a rage driven hot flash? Good grief – I need to get a grip!

So, moving forward we are going to go ahead with the monthly injection and follow the liver function tests.  In my mind I wish I would have worn prettier underwear. Ha. I go and wait for the lovely shots in the ass that are coming. I ponder all that I just went through this week to get here. Here I am waiting for the very butt shots that could cause these elevated liver function tests. I ponder what Joe would say or do. He’d laugh and tell me to chill but he’d listen. Actually he did do that. He sent me the signs to tell me to chill and with two sore butt cheeks I get in the car only to hear the song, “Comfortably Numb”. Well played Joe! Well played.


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