A storm is rolling in

~ kkvirgo78 ~ 12 Comments

IMG_0900[1]Well, that five years, that milestone I have been holding my breathe for, it’s going to have to remain illusive for just a bit longer.

A couple of weeks ago, my regularly scheduled CT scan showed everything looking pretty good. And my new oncologist Dr. G seemed encouraged. As he looked over the scan results once, then twice, then three times he looked at me and said, “any pains? Anything unusual? ” I told him I thought I felt something in my left breast while on vacation, but I wasn’t sure. He sort of sat up to attention at this point. ( I have only been with Dr. G since Dr.B’s retirement in December so I am still learning his “tells”. ) He scoured over the CT pictures again and decided it was strange that I had enlarged lymph nodes on my left side under my left arm, near the breast. At this point the radiologist had not read my results yet. Dr. G reads the film which Dr. B never did, so this is a whole new process to me.  It was then that Dr. G made the call to investigate the lymph nodes “just in case”. He ordered an ultrasound-guided biopsy. Naturally, my biopsy was on a Thursday (they always are!) which means waiting through a long weekend until Monday to get the results.

Monday came and so did a phone call just before lunch, well Dr.G was personally calling me how nice? Not-so-much, he was calling to let me know that yes indeed the lymph nodes show cancer. Damn! So, close – I was literally 5 short months away from that 5 year mark!

I panicked, I cried, I got mad as hell and then as quickly as it all hit me I found my “Zen”. I found my sweet spot that says, we will just do it all over again. We will pick ourselves up and we will move forward. I say “we” because the kicking, screaming, crying that whole thing, well it was a group event. Yes, with the help of some kick ass friends and family all those lovely phases were worked out. I mourned the loss of that 5 year cancerversary, accepted the fact that the cancer was back and tried to just move forward.

Ah yes forward,  forward would mean dozens of invasive, sometimes completely uncomfortable doctor appointments, procedures and diagnostics. Certainly, all totally worth dealing with for more days with my family and friends. The past 10 days have included a PETscan, CT scan, a breast biopsy, a mammogram, an MRI, a colonoscopy, an echocardiogram and waiting for dozens of different results and pathology reports. Frankly, after all this I am shocked I am not walking around in a halo of green radioactivity.

The worst part? Oh – it’s the waiting for sure. Does it suck that this stupid cancer is back? Heck yeah. But, I must admit that I am just so grateful that I have the opportunity to give a treatment plan a shot. My dad and brother were never given that opportunity.

Now, it’s the waiting, the wondering, the “googling” medical conditions. Good Lord, the googling! I need to stop maddening myself! I can’t thank my lovely husband and friends enough for putting up with my insanity. Soon, Dr. G will have a plan in place and I can commit myself to said plan.

It really reminds me of my first run at hard chemo back in 2010/2011. The hubs and I decided the kids could use a break and so could we, it was winter time and we decided a trip to an indoor waterpark in the Dells would be just what the doc ordered. Several things were learned from this experience – 1. Being a bald woman in a waterpark will illicit stares and gawking – making said bald woman hyperaware of her cancer.  But – the more positive takeaway was simple – 2. When on a tube in the lazy river just pick up your feet! Yes, so simple, stop trying to fight it, pick up those feet and let the lazy river take you. I feel treatment is my lazy river, once I have a path I am completely willing to just “pick up my feet”.

Holding my breath for that illusive five years…

~ kkvirgo78 ~ Leave a comment

On Nov. 1st, 2010 I was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer with the “mets” meaning they found it in my bones. I was a fresh 32-years-old at the time. My mom had died almost exactly a year before my diagnosis from cancer.

For the past four years, I have seen, like a mirage in the desert that distinct hope of making it five years. I have known the outcomes if I could just stumble to that five year line. Maybe it’s more a mental thing than a scientific one. All I can say was on that fateful day in 2010 percentages for my survival were not in my favor, but they drastically changed if I could live, without major recurrence, to five years. The years have gone by and I have had a solid maintenance treatment plan, one that had me crossing my fingers, knocking on wood, to get to five years. Unfortunately, that time was witness to the devastating loss of my dad and my little brother, Joe, to yet again, cancer. Cancer, it was all around me, in fact not just around but inside my body as well. But, with all that loss, each scan allowed my heart and mind to grow a little more settled. I tried to embrace change and living in the now every. single. day. In my mind, I was just one scan away from my house of cards feeling a breeze! Whether it was vacations with the kids, a hike when I really didn’t want to go, a bike ride when I was tired, I embraced it. I embraced it only to think it could all be taken away at any time, make the memories with the kids because if tomorrow a bad scan comes up, you know they are going to have awesome memories. Take the trip, eat dessert first every now and again, leave the laundry in lieu of heading to an amusement park. Breathe in and appreciate all that is around you right now!

The new year, 2015, came roaring in and from the very first day of the year my mind was ahead to Nov. 1st. Crazy to skip right over glorious summer in Wisconsin and set my sights on Nov. 1st. But, I had a plan, my big five year “Cancerversary” a trip with my husband. We would celebrate this major milestone and essentially a “rebirth” with a grand trip somewhere fantastic! We were secretly plotting, not wanting to say anything too loud, wouldn’t want Cancer to find out our grand plans. Wouldn’t want to jinx this momentous event. The New Year found me with a new oncologist, my beloved Dr. B was hanging up his stethoscope after many years of fighting cancer. It wasn’t easy thinking about how celebrating that five year with any other doc could possibly have the same joy and accomplishment? Could it?

Moving forward my first meeting with Dr. G went well, he spent a ton of time reviewing every piece of my medical record. He was extraordinarily intelligent and very thorough. My first maintenance infusion went well. I missed Dr. B, but maybe, just maybe, Dr. G would work out. Plus – -I still got to see all those wonderful nurses, schedulers, social workers, etc..these were my people. They had been with me like family. I can’t really explain the bond that is forged when you have cancer and you continue to live, they see you in your good, your bad and your downright ugly! They are the faces that you remember and you know what? They remember you too, they remember your kids names and how your brother passed, they show up at funerals and go above and beyond when you NEED test results sooner, PLEASE. They call you to make sure you are ok. These, these are my people. Maybe headed into 2015, this make or break year would be okay after all?